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by Crystal Torres on December 10, 2017

The best relationships I’ve ever had had to start somewhere, the worst relationships, too. Looking back they were indistinguishable at the start. Sometimes I really love being single. I love that I don’t answer to anyone. I don’t make my plans around anyone (other than my kids, my work, my school, etc., but close enough). My daydreams aren’t limited by what anyone else would like. I love my freedom. I delight in my independence. I’m not looking to change things. I’m looking for the courage to face what is.

I know too well all the relationships I don’t want. I don’t want to be The Girlfriend, in that way that girlfriend can mean muzzle, ball and chain, killjoy. I’ve spent much of my life being one of the guys. Sometimes the girlfriends get talked about as if by teenagers complaining about their parents, the roll of the eyes before heading home early just to avoid a fight. I don’t want to be anyone’s girlfriend if that status equals authority or drama. I happen to be an excellent co-conspirator. I’m not looking for an adversary. I’m looking for an accomplice.

I certainly don’t want to be The Girlfriend, in a way that means pet or possession. I have never been a trophy to parade about. I’m awkward in photos and even more so in person. I’m opinionated, and often embarrassing, and I’m a little dangerous when bored. I’m not looking for a keeper. I’m looking for partnership.

I don’t want to be just friends. Still, I’d rather go back than go forward to something less than friends. I’m skittish of relationships and no good at roles. It feels like I’ve been spinning my wheels. I don’t want to screw this up and I don’t want to give this up. I’m afraid of the unknown, all the ways a perfectly good friendship could be damaged, while holding on, hopelessly hopeful, to the glimmer of something more. This feels like the edge of what could be the beginning of something. I’m not looking for a relationship status. I’m looking for a relationship.


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