Some Days

by Crystal Torres on May 4, 2017

I lay the pillows in a vertical line in my bed. It gives me something to cuddle up against, but the pillows cannot hold me, squeeze me tight, convince me that everything will be okay when I’ve had another fitful sleep broken up by nightmares. Sometimes I’d give anything for a big hug and a kiss on the forehead. My pillows cannot do that.

My car needs an oil change, and some cosmetic repairs, and a smog check. My yard needs the weeds pulled, and the aquaponics system built up, and some redirecting of where the water flows when it rains. There are things that I need to handle regarding my dad, my bills, my life. There are leftovers I’m tired of eating, but don’t want to waste. I need to buy milk. I still haven’t started the final project that is a significant chunk of my grade this semester. I’m on top of the urgent projects at work, but not where I should be with the too many things I need to get around to.

Which is all to say, adulting is hard. I don’t know how ya’ll keep up. Or why I suck at this. I feel like there is always more to-do list than there is to-do time. Sometimes, I want someone to tag into the ring. So that even when I quit and can’t handle any more, progress is still being made. I want someone else on my team. I want the pep talk, the, “it’ll be okay,” and the, “we got this.” 

The thing is, I’ve been in relationships before. I’ve been knee deep in commitment and still not had an arm around me when I couldn’t sleep, someone else to tag into the ring, the pep talk when I needed it. I want to be loved, but I would rather be loved well than loved soon. I will take the loneliness of being alone, over the loneliness of being in the wrong relationship any day. I will not settle for anything less than amazing going forward.

I am not easy to love. When I am most in need of love, I tend to fold in on myself, become invisible. When I have someone in my bed and I have nightmares and I need an arm around me, I tend to slip out of the bed quietly, go cry alone on the couch. When I am overwhelmed, it’s even more overwhelming to try to break it down into pieces that someone else could help with. I don’t trust other people with my weakness and vulnerability. I’m all or nothing and I’m stubborn. I’m fine. I’m always fine.

I’ll break it down, set my priorities for today, get maybe half of them done, start over tomorrow. Despite the slow progress, I’ll look back a year from now and realize I’ve moved forward, no matter how much it felt like standing still. And some days I’ll need a hug that I can’t get, but I’ll keep saving my kisses anyway, because I’m all or nothing and I’m stubborn. I’m not always sure where I’m going, but it’s gonna be amazing and I’m gonna get there. It’s just, some days it’s harder than others.

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