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Poem- All I Ever Wanted

by Crystal Torres on June 24, 2016

All I ever wanted was to love
and be loved
Until I was married,
then I yearned for kindness
a safe place
to grow
to be
I fought my way free
to this falling
Now I’m extending like a hand
that no one else is shaking
aching for an embrace
to bury myself
six feet under
I’m so used to putting down roots
I feel the pressure
of a thousand kisses
budding at the edges of my lips
waiting to blossom
waiting for me
to make my own
safe place
to grow
to be
to love
and be loved

˜˜˜˜˜˜˜˜˜˜˜˜˜˜˜˜˜˜˜˜˜˜˜˜˜˜˜˜˜˜˜˜˜˜˜˜˜˜˜˜˜˜˜˜˜˜˜˜˜˜

Being truly single is a strange feeling. I was in purgatory for so long, broken up, but not separated. There were boundaries inherent to my circumstance then. Now my boundaries are my own to make or to break. If there is a yes, or a no, to be said, then I am the one to say it, no more soft spoken apologies attached to, “if only…”

I have chosen to stay in this uncomfortable space of limitless possibility. I am out in the world being single, being available, being unlikely. It is a raw, vulnerable state, but an honest one. I am very skeptical of romance. It has been so long since I have been part of something that felt healthy; I don’t trust my ability to recognize healthy, let alone to seek it. I will not settle for less though.

Something in my nature still wants to dig deep into love, to live for someone else. How can I help you? Never again will I kill off my independence in exchange for love. I have outgrown the kind of love where I am lost. I am ready to be found. I will stand my ground, neither retreating, nor chasing. They say, “if you build it, they will come,” maybe that is true of love, too. I am building the life I want and I am willing to share it, but not to give it up.

I am able to love myself now, to tap into that infinite source for loving others. 
It’s frightening, and exhilarating. I feel exposed and uncertain, but healthy. I am here. I am open to possibility. I am finally a woman self-possessed. This is all I ever wanted.

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{ 1 comment… read it below or add one }

1 'faire-mom' June 26, 2016 at 2:46 pm

excellent, Hurrah for finding ‘you’! I am proud of you!

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