I'm the girl in the helmet.
Q: How do you find the Canadian in a crowded elevator?
A: Step on everyone’s toes until someone apologizes to you.
That’s when I realized I must be at least part Canadian. I am the girl who will apologize for carelessly allowing my foot to be stuck under yours. I have this horrible sense that I am always in the way and I’m deeply sorry for taking up space.
In my youth, this had the pleasant side effect of making me seem very polite. It’s just that over the years I’ve been shrinking smaller and smaller inside trying to stay out of everybody’s way. If there could be such a disorder as acute and chronic niceness that’s what I had. Then I discovered roller derby.
Don’t get me wrong, my derby sisters are some of the nicest women I know. It’s just that you’re supposed to bump into people. If you’re a blocker you’re supposed to take up space. If you’re a jammer you’re supposed to make your space, by force if necessary. Contrary to media myths we’re not a particularly violent bunch, but it is a full contact sport.
During practice, we play games like sharks and minnows until we are breathless. We fall down, a lot. We fairly well make fools of ourselves and I love every minute of it. Roller derby is fun and that is why it appeals so much to my inner ten-year-old. I think that’s why it’s so easy for me to call such an amazing group of fully grown women “derby girls.” We’re all playing together, really playing.
The thing is my inner ten-year-old is not a bad person, but she’s not so goshdarn nice all the time. I was a rather straightforward person at that age, and not nearly so shy about standing up for myself. There are some really valuable strengths that I surrendered so casually in the name of growing up. Derby is helping me to get them back.
When a girl really slams into me it makes me smile. It often makes me fall tail over teakettle, too. The thing is when she hits me full force she’s saying, “I know you can take it.” I want to live up to that compliment and show off the bruises when I’m done. I’ve got nothing against nice girls, but that’s only one facet of this crystal.
I’m still a mom and a pacifist hippie and all the other things that might seem un-derby about me. This sport has diminished none of that. It’s just that I’m also fierce and feisty and able to stand my ground. I’ve remembered that I don’t have to be nice to another person past the point where it stops me from being good to myself. I needed that. Heaven help me, I need roller derby.
