I have never had much to call a faith. Still there are artifacts of my family’s catholicism that seem to stick with me. My favorite part of the mass was always shaking hands with strangers and saying, “peace be with you,” or answering “and also with you.” I liked that.
I shouldn’t have. People terrify me. I experience a breathless anxiety ordering fast food because I’m afraid the guy who asks, “do you want fries with that?” will judge me. When I’m around people I don’t know well, there is this voice inside my head that keeps saying, “don’t be a spaz, don’t be a spaz, don’t be a spaz.” It grows louder and faster with my heartbeat. There’s something about touch, though, that can gently apply the brakes to my mind before it goes careening off of a cliff. As afraid as I am of strangers in general, I found taking their hands and speaking of peace to be transformative.
I like the feel of my grandmother’s rosary beads between my fingers, but I cannot relate to the novena. Tonight I have so much to pray for, but it is not my nature to pray, well, maybe in thanks. I think I’m good at thank you, but I have an awful time with please.
Still if ever there was a night for please…
Tonight my cousin is in labor with her third child, a planned homebirth. She and I were so close growing up it was often difficult to discern where she ended and I began. Part of me is shaking my fist at the injustice of being so far away from her for something so important.
Tonight my childhood friend is getting a c-section to bring her eighth child into the world. My thoughts keep coming back to her, the baby, the other seven babies and all the complicated relationships tangled up in this moment for them.
Tonight my, somewhat agoraphobic, editor and friend is occupying Oakland. He has seen enough of the worst of people that he’s earned the right to have any phobia that puts a safe buffer around himself. Still it hasn’t blinded him to the good in people or numbed his desire to try to make the world a better place. He’s stepping into harm’s way tonight and continuing to inspire me.
Tonight my husband is saying goodbye to people he has worked with closely and for many years. Most of his department is being laid off and without any notice to speak of. Today is the first official word they’ll get about the layoffs and their last day of work. I’ve been living with the stress he’s felt leading up to this moment and I share his concern for their futures. How will they pay their bills, take care of their medical needs, or their families?
I’m dizzy thinking about them all. I can’t shake their hands for so many reasons tonight. That doesn’t stop me from thinking over and over again, “peace be with you.”
